Breaking News: Chad Ochocinco is Ridiculous

I will be the first to admit: I did not really know who Chad Ochocino (WR: Cincinnati Bengals) was before the 2009-2010 season. Upon further research, I learned the following factoids about him:

1. He was born Chad Johnson, but in 2008, he decided to change his last name to Ochocinco to reflect the numbers on his jersey (85)
2. He said he would use twitter during games, but the NFL (thankfully) banned it.
3. During the 2005 NFL season, Ochocinco announced that he would keep a checklist, entitled "Who Covered 85 in '05," that would evaluate the defensive backs that successfully managed to cover him. On November 2, 2005, Marvin Lewis, the Bengals head coach, replaced Ochocinco’s list with another one entitled, "Did 85 do everything he could to lead his team to victory."
4. Ochocinco has four children: Jicyra, Chad Johnson II, Chade and Cha'iel
5. Ochocino was sued for allegedly not giving away a Lexus that was supposed to be raffled off. The suit added two plaintiffs who claimed that they won trips from Ochocinco (one to Europe; one to Hawaii), that were never awarded.

Hopefully that gives you as much background information as you need about Ochocinco for the rest of this post to make sense.

Tonight your fearless editors discovered that Ochocino has a live-streaming television program. Of course, I think the word "program" might be deceiving, as that term usually describes shows which are planned or scripted. Ochocinco's show is neither of these things. On tonight's broadcast, he sat silent for a while, chugged some redbull, tried to make himself cry by yawning, walked around, and stared at the screen with his eyes closed. In previous shows he's taken/made phone calls, talked about how lonely he was/how he didn't have a valentine, said "i'll be back y'all" and walked out of the shot for large periods of time, and yelled to his brother Chauncey to get him things, when it was very clear Chauncy was downstairs/ignoring him.

But the content is not what makes Chad Ochocinco's television program such a gripping event. It is the set of his program. Recently he has been "streaming" from his hotel room. Boring. I much prefer when he streams from his home, which is an Alice-in-Wonderland world of magical beauty.


Ochocinco usually streams from a place which I will call the "Rec Room." That room has a pool table (covered in red felt), an arcade machine (in the corner) and 3 television screens (all around the room). He also has, rather inexplicably, a large "Pirates of the Caribbean" Poster hanging on the wall. No other artwork - just that.

Then there is the den. Oh, how I love the den. Ochocinco has this fish tank (which is the size of some aquarium tanks) prominently featured in the room. But that's not the best part. The fish tank is covered in...wait for it...wait for it...TELEVISION SCREENS. Three television screens, in fact. Can you PLEASE explain this to me? I get wanting multiple tv screens -- sometimes you just want to watch law and order on one screen, law and order: svu on another, and law and order:ci on the third. But putting the tv screens on a fishtank? Isn't that like slathering on both butter AND mayo on a piece of toast? Who needs both? Isn't the fish tank entertainment enough? Why even pay for the fish tank if you are just going to put television screens on it?